Tom Morton's Blog

Desktop Condiments

Desktop Condiments (n. pl.)  The random balsamic vinegar, low fat salad dressing and sunflower seeds that women keep on their desks to make their lunches less unappetising.  Seriously, if you were trapped in an office, you could survive for days on desktop condiments.  Acid reflux and ricecake-induced torpor would take you long before starvation did.

Quornography

If anything would drive me back to meat-eating, it's the woeful vegetarian options on any menu outside London.  I'm opening a can of meat-free whup-ass on them all.  Starting with:

Chilled Fruit Juice as a starter.  It's a drink, you moron.  Just because you've put the glass on a doily doesn't make it a meal.  And thanks for the knife and fork.

Quorn Anything.  Great, you've taught a mushroom to shit out chicken substitute.

The venue in Weymouth I saw yesterday where the vegetarian menu was Chilled Fruit Juice, Vegetable Madras and Cheese & Biscuits.  That's not a menu.  That's what the survivors scavenge from the aeroplane kitchen in Lost.